Healthy Self Love – Here’s Your Homework This Week

It’s been my experience that “people pleasers” seem to be “nice,” but are often seething with anger inside.

What area of your life has people pleasing caused you to feel resentment, powerless, or made you feel like giving up?

Is your desire to be liked, to look nice, and put others before you really getting you what you want? Really?

Or could that energy be better used to increase your sense of deserving, joy, and self love?

I have a client named Thom. When Thom first came to see me, he had tears in his eyes from the start of our session. He was abused sexually as a child, and made to feel as though he didn’t matter. He hated life, he hated people, and most of all, he hated himself. You wouldn’t know it though. He was a “nice” guy. He was someone people easily took advantage of. He was a walking, talking victim.

Today was his fourth session with me. “I’m not a victim,” he told me. “I’m a person with past experiences. I wouldn’t wish those experiences on anyone, but what I’ve realized is that they made me who I am today.”

Now, that’s what I’m talking about!

What three actions could you take this week that would be pleasing to you? Take them.

9 thoughts on “Healthy Self Love – Here’s Your Homework This Week

  1. Interestingly, I just looked and don’t see where I mentioned “arrogance,” but knowing that many people think of self love as being arrogant, I decided to address that today. I’ll be writing a post about that today.

    Thank you, Marian,

  2. Actually, it was in the previous post. You seem to use the word in a different way than I am used to. Or maybe it is just that I am trying to deny that I am arrogant? I always thought it just meant that thinking of oneself as “better” than others. But maybe there is more to it? I was thinking about arrogance as it relates to “helping” others? I always thought I was helping… when maybe it was something quite different. It is worth thinking about.
    I’ll go do my meditation now and then I will go “help” a friend who is caring for someone dying of AIDS. I am going to help the helper today.
    Anthony, I am so filled with gratitude for your coaching, for my life and for the confidence to go to my meeting tonight. Sending love.

    • Hi Marian. Arrogance is thinking that you’re better than others. What I was referring to is the arrogance I had of helping other people in order to make them think that I had my shit together. By “helping” others, I didn’t have to work on my own stuff. As Jesus said, I was more worried about the speck in my brother’s eye, than the plank in my own.

      The problem was two-fold. One, sooner or later the facade is exposed, and I had to find other people to help in order to feel better about myself. Secondly, I was never taking care of myself, so the people I helped eventually ended up doing better than me. I remember once worrying about making a couple of friends of mine “feel badly” about themselves if I succeeded. The ridiculousness of that thinking was that they were doing much better than me at the time!

      There’s nothing wrong with helping people, as long as you’re taking care of yourself first. That’s the key. Doing otherwise, is arrogant.

  3. So today I helped a helper of a man who is likely going to pass on tonigiht from AIDS. I saw Jean loosing it from the fatigue of being a nurse and friend of someone critically ill. I took her to lunch and we shopped at Good Will and mostly laughed. Greg had gone with his wife to the doctor and my intuition told me all along that he would not be retuning home. So I did this healing ceremony for him in Sanscrit and said a Baha’i healing prayer all over the phone and he really appreciated it. I could feel him relax. I know he is in the process of the transition, about to launch upon the ancient sea. I felt “in the moment” like we talked about and felt like I was truly giving something of myself to them.

    Where does the arrogance end and the giving begin? Is there some teltale sign?

    The Baha’i meeting tonight did not go well at all and I felt very badly there, like I was being rejected. Maybe we can talk about that at our next session. I called Jeff and asked him to write me a love letter. MY beautiful, spiritual daughter told me to just let them all go now. I’ll have to make more boats.

    Thanks for the dialogue today, Anthony I don’t mean to intrude. I guess I just needed a little extra attention with Jeff out of town and Emily so busy with school.

  4. Anthony! I just received the most eloquent and beautiful letter from Jeff. It said, “I love you I love you I love you and (in so many words) let’s both keep working on our own shit. God still loves us. We need to be like the guy who chops wood AND remembers to sharpen his ax when it needs it. God knows we are sharpening our axes so we can serve Him better.

    Thank you. Just thank you.

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