About Anthony Quinata

I am a Midlife Transition Coach. To schedule a private in-person or phone session, please call - 720.448.3385.

Healthy Self Love – Here’s Your Homework This Week

It’s been my experience that “people pleasers” seem to be “nice,” but are often seething with anger inside.

What area of your life has people pleasing caused you to feel resentment, powerless, or made you feel like giving up?

Is your desire to be liked, to look nice, and put others before you really getting you what you want? Really?

Or could that energy be better used to increase your sense of deserving, joy, and self love?

I have a client named Thom. When Thom first came to see me, he had tears in his eyes from the start of our session. He was abused sexually as a child, and made to feel as though he didn’t matter. He hated life, he hated people, and most of all, he hated himself. You wouldn’t know it though. He was a “nice” guy. He was someone people easily took advantage of. He was a walking, talking victim.

Today was his fourth session with me. “I’m not a victim,” he told me. “I’m a person with past experiences. I wouldn’t wish those experiences on anyone, but what I’ve realized is that they made me who I am today.”

Now, that’s what I’m talking about!

What three actions could you take this week that would be pleasing to you? Take them.

Healthy Self Love, cont.

I believe that there’s an unspoken epidemic that’s sapping people of the time and energy they need to nurture their dreams and realize their goals. It’s called, “people pleasing.”

I can’t begin to tell you how many of the people I work with who seem to have learned from an early age that pleasing others is a good way to receive validation or affection. By the time they come to see me it’s such a habit that when we talk about what they need to do, my suggestions have to go through a filter of thinking, “How can I do this for myself without letting others down?”

I know that I was guilty of this, especially in my twenties. I simply couldn’t imagine people I loved being able to take care of themselves and their own needs without me. What can I say? I was pretty arrogant.

I do my fair share of flying, enough to know that should the air bag come down for some reason, I’m supposed to put it on myself first, before worrying about the person next to me. My life changed for the better when I started taking care of myself first, and allowed people to take care of themselves.  I can tell you, their lives changed for the better as well.

This week, instead of thinking of how you can “earn” the love of others by pleasing them, practice healthy self love and look for ways to please yourself.

Healthy Self Love

I just read a great post in Melanie Blystra’s blog in which she talks about buying beautiful roses for herself. She said she doesn’t know what came over her.

I know what’s going on. It’s called, “healthy self love.” That’s what the point of this blog has really been about.

What I love about Melanie’s story is that she’s extremely shy, and at the start of her 90 Day Experiment, she made the intention of making her beautiful handmade cards into a business, which she did. Recently, she had an opportunity to become a professional party planner, which she took advantage of. Now, she’s buying herself flowers.

I also want to acknowledge Marian Kramer, who made a comment on one of my posts that she’s hearing herself laugh again.

Laughter is the outward sign of inward hope. Healthy laughter is another sign of self love.

What sign(s) are you showing yourself? Let me know. I’d really love to hear your story.

You can read Melanie’s blog post by going here, http://pupkinstuff1027.wordpress.com/2011/04/16/something-for-me/.

Speaking of Being Out on a Limb!

A very funny thought (to me at least) struck me yesterday. In my last post I talked about about Steve Massing (http://themassings.net/sitesbysteve/) is helping me create a website that he’s had no experience creating before, so for him, this is going out on a limb.

Well, what occurred to me was that once the framework is up, I have no idea what the hell I’ll be doing after that! I can’t tell you how exciting that is for me!

As I said before, a lot of clients I work with will tell me, “I don’t know how …,” or, “I don’t know what to do ….” As a coach my job is, in part, to move them past that point. Another part of my job, in my never to be humble opinion, is to also be a role model. In other words, how can I help people, with any integrity, if I’m not doing what I’m teaching?

So this morning I started thinking of what I wanted to do, and how I would feel once I was doing it. Just thinking about what I wanted to do I knew would lead me to “paralysis analysis.” I then envisioned what I wanted, and started asking myself why what I wanted is already a reality. I then started feeling the excitement of my project already being a reality. That feeling gave me the motivation to get off of my duff and do something.

What I wanted to do was homework Steve asked me to do, and I started to do, but found myself stuck dong yesterday afternoon. I got out of bed still feeling stuck, but knowing I had to do something.

How did I know what to do next? I didn’t. I just did something, which in this case, was turn on my computer. I did a Google search about what I’m going to do, which led me to You Tube (and a few other sites from which I got a couple of free eBooks on the subject I was researching) and from there I found a woman name Lisa Irby. One thing led to another and now I know how to do what Steve asked of me, but in a way that expresses who I am.

As I write this, adrenaline is literally coursing through my body, I’m so excited! Again, I want to stress to you that this morning, hell, yesterday afternoon, I was at a standstill, not knowing how I was going to do my homework.

My point is, when you don’t know what to do to make your dream a reality, to have the very best life has to offer to you, don’t just sit (or lay in bed) thinking about all the reasons something won’t work … do something.

This Is What Passion Is About!

I had lunch with my friends, Camille and Steve Massing (http://themassings.net/sitesbysteve/) today. Steve and I were meeting to discuss my upcoming project which was borne from the 90 Day Experiment I started January 2, 2011. We were discussing options and possibilities today, and I was impressed with Steve’s suggestions.

I’d like to tell you what blew me away even more though. Steve admitted to me that he had never done what I’d asked him to do before! Somehow, though, I’m not surprised. You see, Steve has forgotten more than I’ll ever know about computers, and the Internet, but this is his passion. Camille and I were having lunch together last week, and I mentioned this, and she told me that every time new software comes out, he gets really excited! Now, that’s what I’m talking about!

Compare and contrast that to clients I work with to uncover their passion and purpose. One client I’m working with is in a graduate program studying for a career change in one field, when it’s obvious his passion isn’t in that field, but another one completely different. “I need to make money,” was his response when I asked him why.

There was a book that came out years ago entitled, “Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked if I thought that was true. My answer is a resounding, “Yes!”

Of course, the objection I typically hear is, “But I don’t know how.” You learn. Just as Steve is doing with this project he’s working with me on. Passion will get you through the lean times, while you’re learning how to monetize doing what you love to do. The money Steve will earn working with me is nothing compared to his potential earnings if he decides to expand what he learns from doing this into a full, or even part time, business. Better than that, he’ll be doing it in a field he loves.

Thanks Steve, for everything. You too, Camille.

If you’re thinking about building a website, please check Steve out, http://themassings.net/sitesbysteve/.

Go Out On a Limb – Here’s Your Homework for this Week!

I’ve mentioned before that I always ask my coaching clients, “If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?” Well, hopefully you’ve been doing the 90 Day Experiment with me (which is rapidly coming to a close) and you have one area in your life that you’ve been working on changing. Maybe it’s in your career, in your health, or your intimate relationships.

Now, write down three things you could do differently; what actions could you take that would not be in your comfort zone that would produce incredible results? For example, you may need to ask for help. Do you need to hire a coach or start having a framework of accountability in place?

Finally, ask three people this week whose opinion you respect, and ask them how they’d go about achieving your goal. Since it’s not their goal, they might have detached  insight that’s valuable for you.

Give up your old attitudes, excuses, reasons, and embrace new ways of doing things. That’s how breakthrough results will start happening for you.

Success Story – “I know I can do this.”

This was in the  “Comments” section of my last post. It’s from Melanie Blystra.

I am doing something I normally wouldn’t do. I am a party planner. I learned from my grandma Harris, who was the best. I love [emphasis mine, Anthony] to plan parties and the people I work for, Stephanie and her husband, know it because I put their wedding reception together and several birthday parties. So Friday night Stephanie’s husband called me and asked me to do him a favor…he asked me how much it would be to make invitations for a friend at work. I gave him a quote for the invitations and the next thing I knew I am planning a birthday party for his friend that I never met…it just kind of fell into my lap and I was like “AHHHHHH!”, but with all the practice I’ve had with doing it for my friends and family, I know I can do it for this person. I am creeping just a little bit farther out of that shell I’ve been hiding in. It is kind of weird planning a party for a person I don’t know and have only spoken to once on the phone, but I’m ready for the challenge [emphasis mine, Anthony]! Why just stop at making the cards for the party right?
Love you Anthony!

Melanie, I couldn’t be happier for you! Keep shining your light!

I love you more,