What’s Love Got to Do With It?

Is there something that keeps recurring in your life? Do any of these sound familiar?

  • Self sabotage
  • Recurring situations happening that you don’t want to happen? What you do want to happen, doesn’t?
  • No matter how hard you try to create something new in your life, you’re not able to?
  • You swear you’ll stop doing something, but find yourself doing it, over and over again?

I had a client who came to see me because she wanted to get a business off the ground, and no matter what she did, nothing seemed to work. Everything backfired. One man who offered to finance her kept backing out of their appointments to meet each other. When this happened three months in a row, she came to see me.

As we talked, I found out that her father used to say (according to her) that, “If people aren’t millionaires, they aren’t shit.”

I said to her, “It sounds to me as though you’re really angry at your father.”

“You hit the nail on the head with that one,” she told me. “To tell you the truth, I hate him.”

I went over the whole “memories become what we perceive. What we perceive is what we observe. What we observe becomes our reality,” with her. I told her that it seemed to me that she resented him saying that unless you’re rich, you aren’t worth anything. Since she “hated” him she wanted to prove him wrong; you don’t have to be a millionaire in order to be a good person.

“What better way to prove that than to be poor?” seemed to be her unconscious, habitual belief. When I mentioned this to her she asked me what I suggested she do about it.

“Well,” I said, “I can help you change that belief, but before we do, I really feel that you need to let go of your anger. What’s going on is that rather than being successful, you’d rather be angry. I think that you’re potential backer senses that anger, but because he is, in a sense, an authority figure to you, he may be thinking that you’re angry at him. The bottom line is that you’d rather be angry than successful.”

“What do you think I should do?” she asked me.

“I think your first step is that you need to forgive your father,” I told her. “By doing so you’ll be able to release the anger, and the need to prove him wrong.”

The difference between therapy and coaching is that I get to get in your face and argue with you about your bullshit. Some people take it better than others.

She sat there for a few minutes starting at me. I looked back at her, knowing what was coming.

“You hit a huge nail on the head, Anthony,” she finally said. “I am angry at my father. But what you’re asking me to do is to give up one of my favorite things in life; hating him.” (emphasis mine) She got up and starting walking away. “You really hit a huge nail on the head, Anthony. I do hate my father. I hate you too. I HATE  YOU!”

With that she walked out of my office. I’m sure she’ll come back. When she’s ready to have what she wants in her life.

I once read, that according to psychologists, as human beings we are 100% emotional. We use our logic to justify our emotions. It turns out our emotions play a huge part in what we manifest in our lives even if we say we don’t want to; and what we don’t, that we say we really do.

Guess what I’ll be talking about this week.

Wow! With talent like that, you ought to be a high roller in Las Vegas! LOL

Chopped

What is it that you want? A healthy, loving relationship with someone you love and respect, who loves and respects you? A great job? A business of your own? Tons of money? A new house? Abundance? Great! These are all worthy of your attention.

For Chef John Michael, what he wanted was to impress the judges on a Food Network show called, “Chopped.” The essence of the show is that four chefs are given baskets of “mystery ingredients” which they must then make up some sort of dish on the fly which is judged by a panel of celebrity chefs. If the dish a chef makes doesn’t cut it, they’re told, “I’m sorry, but you’ve been chopped.” The chef that makes it through three rounds (appetizers, main course, and dessert competitions), and wins, becomes the “Chopped Champion,” and is rewarded with $10,000.

John Michael talked about going to “two of the best culinary schools in the world. I am that talented.” He also mentioned the facts that he owns his own restaurant, and that the moment he expressed an interest in food his parents were determined that he would be number 1 at what he did.

He then goes on to say that “nothing’s been handed to me on a silver platter. I’ve always been the underdog that’s been working, working, working,  but not getting any of the credit.” He was taking part in this competition to show people that he’s “just as good as anybody out there.”

At the end of the first round John Michael admitted he wasn’t happy with the finished product he was presenting to the judges, but that he didn’t think his dish was bad enough to send him home.

He was the first one “chopped.” Honestly, I was surprised at the judges decision. Then John Michael opened his mouth and everything started to make sense to me.

John Michael protested that he was talented. The judges agreed. But as he walked away he started talking about having to “grind, and grind, and grind to have everything I’ve ever had. But whenever I get into my head that, ‘This is going to happen to me, or, this is going to happen to me,’ it never does.”

What this chef was revealing wasn’t just his disappointment at being “chopped,” but his underlying beliefs as well, a way of thinking that’s keeping him from having what he said he wants.

Let’s take a quick look at what was going on here. John Michael didn’t say he wanted to be “number one.” That was his parent’s dream for him.

Why was he competing? “To show I’m just as good as anybody out there.” If he were a client of mine, I’d ask him, “Exactly, who are you wanting to prove this to?”

Then he talks about having to grind for everything he ever had. Nothing ever happens that way he thinks it should, no matter what he tells himself.

Does any of this sound familiar to you? If it does, hang on. Starting tomorrow, I’m going to tell you why. Why your hopes and dreams are constantly being “chopped.”

Then I’ll start talking about what you can do about it to make things different; how to move from wanting to having.